


Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, Points of View, Season/Series 02, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-05-27
Updated: 2006-05-27
Packaged: 2018-12-27 04:26:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12073497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: It doesn’t take long for Brian to realize that Justin is gone.





	Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: Huge thanks to Stacey. You are a life saver. xxoo  Timeline is post 220, seen from Brian`s POV.  


* * *

The whole problem is, it doesn’t take long for Brian to realize that Justin is gone. But just like everything else in his fucking life, it really hits him one week later. In the middle of the night, when entire world is too damn busy leaving real life and its problems far, far behind, all he can think about is what he doesn’t have anymore.

   


When realization strikes him, he is on his back, sleep already claiming him. His skin still burns from the hot water _(just like the showers they always had),_ as he tries to ignore the way every little thing around him crumbles slowly to dust. And it's not one of those bolts of lightening, that send a man to his knees, nor does he see his whole life flashing in front of his eyes, the way people who had a near death experience always tell. Though he does kind of feel like one of those people at times. 

   


No, it's like a missing piece of the puzzle clicking into place. Yes, he had waited for that particular click for the last year or so, but when it actually does happen, there is no one more surprised than him. He can only imagine how his testimony at court would sound like. _No, Your Honor, I never saw it coming. It was completely out of the blue. Just one blink and it was too fucking late to do anything._

   


Yeah,  just a blink. Sounds like the story of his life, alright. One moment, he’s falling asleep and the next, he’s staring at the ceiling, the smoothness of it completely foreign to his eyes, even though he’s seen it a million times, non-existent weight pressing on his chest. And he can’t break away from the feeling that he’s missing something really important. As if there is something out there, deep in the night, that holds the answers to all the questions he never had the guts to ask. Every time he tries to zero in on it, it slips right through his fingers and all he can do is keep staring at the ceiling.

   


It doesn’t take long for Brian to become aware of the fact, that the tone of the entire loft changed over night. No more thrown away t-shirts with dried cum on them laying around, nor still present or forgotten CDs left on every available surface of bands, that Brian wouldn’t be caught dead listening to, but somehow when he listened to them with Justin, it seemed completely justified. The very things that annoyed the hell out of him are now sorely missing and he feels just so…out of place in his own home.  And when his mind starts conjuring images, that are better left alone, he attempts to fall asleep on his own, but everything he does, somehow feels wrong. From the lack of  warm breath on his neck to the stretched palm on his chest. And he knows its not like him to think about things, because he’s queer and not a fucking lezzy, but in the middle of the night, when he’s all alone with his mind, things can get scary sometimes. Even _he_ can grasp simple emotions. He's human after all, no matter what some people think  of him. Not that he cares.. But the way things are now tells him, that he’s way beyond that particular problem now. 

   


Because Justin’s laughter still rings in the empty space he left behind and when Brian buries his face into  the pillow to drown out Justin’s voice, the remains of a familiar scent threaten to drive him insane. He tells himself for the one hundredth time, that he doesn’t fucking care about any of it. Justin isn’t his worry anymore. Thank God he got rid of the little fucking stalker. But it doesn’t really help much. He doesn’t even believe his own words, because people are creatures of habit and despite his wishful thinking, his mind won’t stop going in circles, every time ending up in the same damn place. The very place he tries so hard to forget. 

_  
_

_You must really love him._

   


He squeezes his eyes shut, to make it all go away, to push deep down that horrible feeling of falling without a parachute, where he wouldn’t have to think about the things he could’ve done so much better. But it’s a losing battle. An uphill steep. 

   


He’s like a Sisyphus, just waiting for the rock to freaking run him over on its way down.  And it doesn’t matter how far he flees from it all, from his own life, he still finds himself in the same fucking spot. It's no use. It doesn’t work like that. **He** doesn’t work that way anymore and it's really fucking annoying to realize something like that, when all your power of control over the situation has been taken away. But he understands it now and it's so much worse than he ever thought. This ugly feeling of _regret_.

   


Because in the time it takes to blink, everything around him changed. Because he is all Brian never looked for and all he now can’t _(won’t)_ live without. Because…all those plans that Brian never made about winning Justin back? He will never say one word about it, but somehow, it will all run its course. He is sure of it. And though there is absolutely no reason for him to believe, because reason has never been his best friend, when it came to Justin, he can’t just give up now. Fucking refuses to.

   


And slowly, he opens his eyes and smiles at the way moonlight falls on the empty side of the bed. And he knows. It's only _time_. Soon, things will change once again.


End file.
